● C-SUITEINC-2024-4394
▲▲ LVL 4 — LAWSUIT ENERGY
Your PTO request conflicts with my emotional needs.
Submitted by an emotionally exhausted employee.
Your PTO request conflicts with my emotional needs.
If your grandma wanted respect, she shouldn't have died during quarter-end.
session unstable · @cro
I need less therapy language and more deliverables.
This company runs on fear, Celsius, and undocumented processes.
We're family here. Which is why I feel comfortable yelling.
(edited)Cameras on. I want to see your energy. And whoever's in your apartment.
I need somebody online tonight who hates themselves just enough to care.
session unstable · @cro
“Must be nice leaving at 5. I'll remember that during reviews.”
We don't pay overtime, we pay in growth opportunities and trauma.
If you can't handle the pressure, we'll find someone hungrier and cheaper.
(edited)I noticed you logged off at 5:47. Walk me through that decision.
Synergy is a mindset, not a deliverable. Now deliver it by EOD.
We're a flat org — except for me, the founders, and the board, obviously.We're a flat org — except for me, the founders, and the board, obviously.We're a flat org — except for me, the founders, and the board, obviously.
Your bereavement leave is approved for the funeral but not the grief.
session unstable · @m.director
This isn't a performance issue, it's a passion deficit.
“Let's table this until you agree with me.”
Burnout is just a story we tell ourselves when we stop grinding.
Could you hop on a quick sync about why you needed a sync?
I don't see gender, race, or your raise request.
session unstable · @m.director
We have unlimited PTO but I will remember every single hour.
I'm not micromanaging, I'm strategically involved at every keystroke.
(edited)If you're not on Slack at 11pm, are you really committed to the mission?
session unstable · @founder
Your therapist isn't paying your salary. I am.
session unstable · @cro
“Let's make this a learning moment. In front of the whole all-hands.”
I don't believe in titles, which is why yours hasn't changed in 4 years.
No budget for raises, but we did get a new espresso machine and a foosball table.No budget for raises, but we did get a new espresso machine and a foosball table.No budget for raises, but we did get a new espresso machine and a foosball table.
Hop on a call? It's faster than typing the one sentence I'm about to say.
(edited)“I need this by EOD, which in my timezone is 4 hours ago.”
We're not laying people off, we're rightsizing the human surface area.
(edited)“Per my last email — the one you read and chose to ignore like a coward.”
I need a self-starter who does exactly what I want without me having to say it.
Mental health day? Sure. Use one of your zero remaining PTO days.
(edited)We don't hire for skill, we hire for hunger. Eat or be eaten.
If the customer is screaming, you weren't apologizing in the right tone.
I'm not saying you're replaceable. The job posting is.I'm not saying you're replaceable. The job posting is.I'm not saying you're replaceable. The job posting is.
Low-hanging fruit isn't a strategy, it's a personality. Get one.
Our north star is whatever I tweeted this morning at 3am.
We don't do titles, but please refer to me as Chief Visionary in writing.
Have you considered being less stressed? It's really that simple.
I'll send the meeting recap. By recap I mean another meeting.
(edited)Your KPIs are flexible, like a contortionist in a burning building.
We pivoted again. Don't ask. Just rebuild everything by Friday.
“I'd love your feedback. By feedback I mean unconditional agreement.”
Sorry, did I interrupt your weekend? I assumed those were optional here.Sorry, did I interrupt your weekend? I assumed those were optional here.Sorry, did I interrupt your weekend? I assumed those were optional here.
We're a results-driven culture, and the result is you working Saturday.
IT can't fix that. Submit a ticket and prepare emotionally.
(edited)“Just touching base — for the fourth time before noon.”
I'm going to need you to dial up the urgency to a level that scares HR.
“We don't have a budget for therapy, but we do have a meditation app subscription.”
If you have time to cry, you have time to close one more deal.
session unstable · @cro
I'd love to promote you, but the optics of a happy employee are bad right now.
(edited)“Can you stay on after? I want to give you some feedback the others shouldn't hear.”
We measure performance in deliverables, vibes, and how loud you laugh at my jokes.We measure performance in deliverables, vibes, and how loud you laugh at my jokes.We measure performance in deliverables, vibes, and how loud you laugh at my jokes.
The pay is low but the equity is imaginary.
(edited)If you treat this like a 9-to-5, that's exactly the career you'll have.
“Your job description is a living document. So is my mood.”
We're rolling back remote work because innovation happens in hallways I rarely visit.We're rolling back remote work because innovation happens in hallways I rarely visit.We're rolling back remote work because innovation happens in hallways I rarely visit.
Employee satisfaction is down 40% — let's hide that slide from the all-hands.
session unstable · @m.director
“I need everyone to step up. Including you. Especially you. Mostly you.”
I don't care if it's broken. Ship it. We'll patch the lawsuit later.I don't care if it's broken. Ship it. We'll patch the lawsuit later.I don't care if it's broken. Ship it. We'll patch the lawsuit later.
Your camera being off is starting to feel like a personality.
We can't afford raises but we did rebrand again.We can't afford raises but we did rebrand again.We can't afford raises but we did rebrand again.
I noticed you took a 17-minute lunch. Care to walk me through what happened in there?
Quiet quitting is just stealing in a hoodie.Quiet quitting is just stealing in a hoodie.Quiet quitting is just stealing in a hoodie.
We don't celebrate birthdays — celebrate hitting OKRs instead.
(edited)“If the deploy breaks production, that's a learning opportunity for you specifically.”
Customers aren't always right but they are always recording.
“I'd respond to your DM but I'm performing leadership in another channel.”
“Our culture deck says 'no a**holes' but we're flexible on interpretation.”
If you're not first in, last out, and answering Slack from the toilet, are you even here?
session unstable · @chad.vp
“Just a heads up — I cc'd your VP, your skip, and the entire org chart.”
We're going to need you to wear several hats. Also several departments.